i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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