Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
