Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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