P.S. I can't hear my feet
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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