I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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