): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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