I think I just saw someone hide a body.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
