I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
