I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
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