i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
