We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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