I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
