So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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