I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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