can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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