So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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