I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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