Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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