If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
