wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
