if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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