it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
