the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
