i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize