my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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