She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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