apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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