You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
