The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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