He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
