I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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