i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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