masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
