I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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