i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
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