His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
