she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
