my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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