HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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