Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
