Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
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