If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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