Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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