When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
