My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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