There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I have post one night stand depression
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
