I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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