apparently the secret to your success is patron
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
