I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Randomize
