i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
