My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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