Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
