I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
