I'm so fucking centered right now
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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