my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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