She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
