i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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