2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
