come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
just found out that she named her cat after me.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Randomize
