did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
