You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
