So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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