Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
