dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
