Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Randomize
