you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
