you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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