6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
