haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
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